An airport taxi pulls up to a trendy restaurant in the Malibu Hills whose name, “Hohu” is back-lit by purple neon. The back door of the taxi opens and comic book writer FRANK MILLER emerges, pauses dramatically, and drinks in the lush surroundings. He begins walking to the entrance of the restuarant. Past the colored fountains of mythical Ambrosia, past the live mermaids playfully swimming in giant tanks, right up to the door of “Hohu” which is an exact replica of the front door of the Wizard’s castle from The Wizard of Oz. The door opens ceremoniously and FRANK MILLER steps through it.
Inside the spacious and lushly-decorated restaurant we see a single, circular table with three settings and a dim lamp as the centerpiece. Seated at the table and facing the entrance are CHRISTOPHER NOLAN and ZACK SNYDER, famous movie makers. They wave FRANK MILLER over and gesture for him to take a seat, which he does…
CN: (grinning) I’m glad you could make it, Frank.
FM: (taking his seat) Please, call me Frank.
CN: I suppose you know why we’ve asked to speak with you.
FM: Of course I know. The whole goddamned internet knows. You want to talk about Batman.
A slight and obsequious WAITER shuffles over to the table and, in a deep bow, utters
WAITER: Good evening gentlemen. May I take your drink orders?
CN: I’ll have a liter of angel’s tears.
ZS: I’ll have the chilled blood of a Dodo bird in a straight glass.
FM: A can of Schaeffer beer from 1958, please.
WAITER: Very good, sirs. WAITER exits, walking backwards and still in a deep bow.
CN: How was your flight, Frank?
FM: Let’s get down to brass tacks. You asked me here so we could discuss the Batman. So let’s discuss the character.
ZS: (nervously tugging at his collar) Hurm.
CN: Yes, well, no need for formalities. Obviously you know by now that the sequel to this summer’s blockbuster Man of Steel will feature Batman.
CN: And more than feature Batman, it will actually pit Batman against Superman. We were inspired by that scene from your historic comic book work, The Dark Knight Returns.
ZS: Oh yes. Very inspired. A runner appears with the drinks, arranges them at the table, and slinks away without ever making eye contact.
CN: We would like to pick your brain about that scene, the characters, their motivations.
FM: Cracks his beer and takes a long sip from the can. I’ll make this real simple for you. Superman is a jerk, Batman is an asshole.
ZS: (with alacrity) Ulp!
CN: Hmm, yes. Our take on Superman was a bit different.
FM: I didn’t see your silly movie so I wouldn’t know, but I assume you made him a real pansy. And he is a pansy, but he’s also a government stooge. Batman stands in opposition to that because he’s a complete asshole.
FM: (continuing) See Batman’s whole motivation is to avenge the death of his parents. That’s his only motivation. But he can’t avenge them without pummeling the shit out of everyone. And that includes Superman.
CN: What about Batman’s pursuit of justice?
ZS: Yes, uh, what of justice?
FM: Are you fucking retarded? Justice? There’s no justice, just pimps and hookers and junkies and pedophiles all heaped together in a pile of shit. And on top of that pile, the King Shit of all the little shitlings, is Batman.
The WAITER sidles up to the table, again in a deep bow, and speaking to his shoes, utters
WAITER: I beg your pardon, gentlemen. May I take your orders?
CN: I’ll have a Bengal tiger fillet with a side of Gingold.
ZS: I’ll have an everlasting Gobstopper in fairy’s wing sauce.
FM: Steak. Medium-well.
WAITER: Very good, sirs, I’ll bring that right out. WAITER backs away again, disappearing into the darkness.
CN: Frank, let me ask you…do you like Batman?
FM: What do you mean?
CN: Well I wouldn’t expect someone who likes Batman to describe him as “King Shit.”
ZS: (nods spastically)
FM: Of course I like Batman! I’ve written dozens of Batman comic books!
CN: Of course, we must defer to your wisdom. Tell us more about the Batman, as you see him.
FM: Well another thing you should know about Batman is that he dislikes people.
FM: Batman dislikes people. Doesn’t care for them. They interfere with his mission.
CN: I see. If he dislikes people, why is he saving their lives all the time?
FM: Just to shut up their whiny mewling. He sees them as annoying hurdles in his war against Superman.
CN: Batman is at war with Superman?
FM: Of course, he’s at war with everybody.
CN: What about Robin?
FM: He’s at war with him.
CN: What about Alfred?
FM: He’s at war with that limey.
ZS: Sweating nervously, ZACK SNYDER looks about ready to pass out.
CN: Why does he employ them if he’s at war with them?
FM: First of all, he doesn’t “employ” Robin. Robin is some little dickwad that keeps hanging around Batman while he’s trying to wage war on everyone.
FM: It’s almost more trouble for Batman to throw Robin off a cliff than you let him bounce around during fights. Plus he can distract villains and draw their fire.
CN: But Batman is shown to clearly care for Robin in the comics. Did you ever read Robin Dies at Dawn?
FM: Oh, I don’t read comics.
FM: That’s kid stuff. I write comics, I don’t read the stupid things.
CN: (looks over at ZACK SNYDER who is pale and quivering) Okayyy…
A runner arrives with plates of food, which he sets before the seated men and quickly and silently absconds, never making eye contact.
CN: I don’t know if we are going to go in this same direction with Batman, Frank.
FM: (chewing on a piece of steak) Okay, what’s your take?
CN: Extends his arms and articulates his thumbs and forefingers as a makeshift frame. The movie opens in darkness.
ZS: Nods head enthusiastically. Darkness, definitely darkness.
CN: From the darkness, we see a shadowy fist emerge.
ZS: Darkness. Pitch black darkness.
CN: Is it Superman’s fist? Whose shaded fist can this be, issuing from billowy blackness?
ZS: Lights out. Dark. Darkness.
CN: Everyone’s going to think it’s Superman’s fist.
CN: But it’s not.
CN: It’s Batman’s fist. In a sequel to Man of Steel. Can you picture it?
FM: Yes, well, what happens in the movie?
CN: We haven’t gotten to that part yet. All we’ve come up with is the thing with the fist.
ZS: And the darkness.
CN: Yes, we came up with the darkness. We were hoping you would help us flesh out the plot.
FM: I see.
CN: Though honestly I’m not sure if we can use your hateful, spiteful Batman.
ZS: Nods slowly.
FM: Oh, so you want to use some pussy Batman? Like the Adam West bullshit?
CN: (thoughtfully) Hmm…maybe. But darker.
FM: Abruptly gets up from the table, pushing his chair back, and throws his cloth napkin onto his half-eaten steak. FRANK MILLER chews what he’s got in his mouth slowly and methodically, holding CHRISTOPHER NOLAN’s gaze with a piercing stare. After two full minutes, FRANK MILLER swallows his last bite of steak, clears his throat, and speaks. Gentlemen, you offend me. I thought you brought me here to teach you about the Batman, his motivations and complete hatred for humanity and life. But I was wrong. You’re just a couple of slick Hollywood hucksters who want to take the pure story of a complete douchebag’s struggle against sluts and jerkwads and turn it into some kind of rodeo circus. Well I, for one, will have no part of it. Don’t you know who I am? I’m goddamned Frank Miller! Good day. FRANK MILLER strides purposefully from the table and is enveloped in the surrounding shadows.
ZS: In a state of shock, begin weeping.
CN: Watches FRANK MILLER exit, then begins eating his dinner. Well that was unpleasant. Looks around the empty, darkened restaurant, and waves his fork at nothing in particular. It’s a bit bright in here, isn’t it?