Tag Archives: men

Weiner’s Weiner Weinered; Weiners Weiners Weiners Weiners

7 Jun

There’s been a lot of salacious promiscuity in the news lately. You’ve got Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s affair with his housekeeper which resulted in a baby and a divorce from the Kennedy family, you’ve got John Edwards’ screwing around on his cancerous wife with his speech writer, with whom he too had a child out of wedlock. And the hottest topic of the minute, New York Congressman Anthony Weiner admitted today that he did, in fact, tweet some women pictures of his penis, recapitulating on an earlier claim that his twitter account had been hacked. People around the country are shocked, both that these dudes are getting laid more than they do and that these news items are routinely bumped for more boring information about Iraq or whatever. (Didn’t we “win” that war already? Why the hell do soldiers keep dying? Switch over to American Idol.)

There is a misconception among people, primarily women, that powerful men are slimy, cheating dogs. This is not the case. All men are slimy, cheating dogs, regardless of their status and social standing. Oh, a man may never act on his impulses, but he’s got them all the same. And it’s not just wanting to fuck some supermodel or pop star, that can be understood and forgiven. No ladies, your man is titillated by far more nauseating fare: wondering what an octogenarian sitting on the bus looks like without her house dress, thinking about how it would feel to screw a woman in the crook of her elbow, getting a boner from watching a member of MTV’s The Real World throw up. These thoughts and many other more gross, illegal inklings appeal to the prurient interest of your lover, your father, your son. Men are sick.

I suspect that women are just as sick, but I can’t know that for sure. However women have been more socially conditioned to reject their sexual inclinations, emitting groans of disgust at the mere mention of genitalia. Men do not have this impulse, and many of our basest fantasies have been catered to since the dawn of civilization. It might not be okay to have a Bacchanalian orgy with your siblings and cousins, but that doesn’t mean dudes don’t think about it. In fact, I guarantee they think about it, during many waking hours of the day and pretty much all of the sleeping ones.

Most women I know who converse via the internet have collections of dick pics that are so large, they need to be moved to external hard drives. My female friends tell me that their craigslist ads for dates are immediately responded to with a flurry of dick pics, sometimes with no message attached. Anthony Weiner didn’t tweet dick pics because he’s a member of Congress, but because he’s a man who unfortunately happens to be a member of Congress. Millions of other men’s dick pics are floating around cyberspace, unreported and unpunished. Weiner was stupid to make such a career misstep, though. Political impunity for sending dick pics really only happens at the Executive level.

The One Day of the Year You’re Supposed to Give a Shit

14 Feb

Today is Valentine’s Day, a predominantly Western holiday which celebrates the expulsion of vampire cupids from Rome by St. Theodore Valentine in 1133. This deed was heralded by Romans, and so Theodore was martyred, that being the highest Roman honor of the time. Today, Valentine’s Day rituals bear little resemblance to the celebrations of a thousand years ago: in in the thirteenth century, Valentine’s Day was honored with an annual “boar hunt,” for which males would strip themselves bare, lather themselves with lard, and have sex with their mistresses.

In modern times, Valentine’s Day is little more than a Hallmark© holiday, a day where men are expected to bravely venture to perfume counters and greeting card shops in order to procure tokens of affection for their loved ones. Women play their part by silently smiling at whatever meager offerings have been cast begrudgingly at their feet. Because there is one other Valentine’s Day tradition, one which probably trumps the others, and that is for men to bitch and moan about how facile and phony they find Valentine’s Day. This either implies the great sacrifice they have made in purchasing a Whitman’s Sampler, or renders the entire event meaningless. Perhaps it accomplishes a curious combination of both.

It’s ironic that the very same men who decry the Great Corporate Sham that is Valentine’s Day will sanctify an equally meaningless and borderline racist holiday like St. Patrick’s Day almost exactly a month later. All holidays are bullshit, aren’t they? Easter, Halloween, birthdays and anniversaries, they are all just days bound by the rotation and revolution of our planet. We choose to memorialize them, make them special and frame them in ritual so we have something to look forward to, and something to reflect upon when the day is done. We certainly don’t need to do it. It’s Winter no matter what solstice holiday you recognize. But remembering how many candles were lit on the menorah might help one recall what date in December they received the phone call that Junior made varsity football. Or something.

The point is that just because Valentine’s Day is bullshit doesn’t mean you shouldn’t suck it up and celebrate without grumbling. It’s not rigorously scientific, just get some flowers and candy and take her out to dinner. Don’t mention how much more the flowers and candy cost on Valentine’s Day, don’t tell any anecdotes about what you went through to get the presents, simply smile, ask her to be your Valentine, and kiss her. You’ll earn important brownie points that you’ll need to redeem when you embarrass yourself on St. Patrick’s Day.

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