Tag Archives: tearing posters from bedroom wall

Congratulations on Fulfilling Your Biological Imperative

17 Feb

You’re going to have a baby? Congratulations! You have proven your virility or fertility, and your physical deformities and abnormalities are forgiven since we know you’ve got “the goods.” On behalf of humankind, I’d like to say: THANK you for adding another screaming, puking fecal factory that will further drain our already dwindling resources, and add pollutants that will speed us along our species’ singular path towards oblivion. We completely understand that your responsibility to conserve and recycle does not include plastic diapers and pacifiers, or the hundreds of dollars of noisy crap your child will accumulate before the age of three that he or she will not even recall by the first grade.


It should go without saying that you are hereby absolved of any goals, dreams or aspirations you may have had prior to getting pregnant. Don’t let our eye rolling or impatient sighing stop you from talking about what color your child’s vomit is at different times of the day. You may stop working on self-improvement and maintaining an open mind as you begin to instill your child with your ever present fears and anxieties. How subtly your intend to resent this kid for ruining your potential is up to you. Remember: this is your baby. You own him or her. There are no right or wrong answers in parenting, just right ones. Because you said so.


Of course, you’ll want to raise your child in the reverse fashion of your own horrible, scarring upbringing. Be sure to smother where your parent neglected and be sure to deprecate where your parent encouraged. From time to time, you might take a look at what you’re doing and consider the possibility that you’re repeating the same mistakes as your parent. Don’t let that stop you! Remember that whatever adversities your parent faced while raising you pale in comparison to what’s in store today. While you may have taken the easy route and let television raise your child out of necessity, your parent did it out of laziness and inherent cruelty. So there’s a difference.


Most importantly, have fun! Becoming a parent will be the thing that probably frames your whole existence from here on out, so learn to enjoy it. As your gurgling baby grows into a disappointing adult who has rejected your every teaching and provokes you in ways you never thought possible among rational humans, make sure to appreciate each milestone and marvel at every accomplishment. Their passage will strengthen your sense of mortality and irrelevance. I am so excited for your blessing! You have passed into the elite cadre of Practically Every Fucking Body. May you parent judiciously and righteously, except when you’re hungover when you will parent arbitrarily.

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