Keeping Up With the Kardashians’ Mental Health

7 Nov

There’s a lot happening in the news lately: weather-related disasters, protests and police violence, skeleton thievery. The most important thing happening in the world–and perhaps the universe–right now is Kim Kardashian’s recent divorce from Kris Humphries after a whirlwindingly boring seventy-two day marriage. Kris’ courting of Kim, which was creepy (and not just because he has the same name as her mother), was covered on cable network E! along with their extravagant wedding ceremony that included a bridal gown with a train so long that it needed to be carried by an actual locomotive, and a reception where diamond-studded Rainbow Trout was served alongside a soup made entirely from platinum bars. Or something like that. I didn’t watch the wedding episode. I figure I can catch it one of the other ten zillion times it will be aired before the year is out.


Many people are saying that this marriage was a sham, that it was all set up as a publicity stunt and that perhaps Kim never intended to see it through. I am inclined to believe this, but only because the Kardashian family’s entire life is a publicity stunt. It’s not like the program Keeping Up With the Kardashians is about staying abreast of the exploits of fascinating people who perform feats and spectacles, no, Keeping Up With the Kardashians is a show about a fame-hungry rich people who are the subjects of a reality show. In this way, it’s the most “meta” of all reality television programs: a series chronicling people and their reactions to being in a series. Unfortunately, most of the show consists of the Kardashian girls loafing around on couches bemoaning the fact that no one takes them seriously. Okay, Kardashians: here is your soap box. Please expound on whatever pertinent topics are swimming around those curiously undersized heads of yours. What’s that? You’re starting new perfume and underwear brands? That’s fantastic! I’m sure glad I stopped staring at your boobs for thirty seconds so you could let me know.


It’s a sad existence, I think, to be famous for being rich and narcissistic. I have to assume that being rich is a major component, because there are plenty of narcissistic people around, and very few of them are famous. I can’t help but think of Ouroboros, the snake eating its own tail, in regards to the Kardashian family and all those celebrity types that are desperately trying to extend their fifteen minutes of fame into an hour. It’s bound to collapse eventually, though they’ll probably drag a line-faced, fifty year-old Kim Kardashian out on whatever’s the popular late night talk show in twenty years so she can say that she had no regrets. That’s important, not to have any regrets. Because if you were as shitty as the Kardashian family and you had to suffer regret every time you inconvenienced someone, you’d kill yourself.

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