Artists are Fucking Assholes

23 Apr

In producing a variety of pointless creative ventures, I’ve had the opportunity to work and interact with many different artists. I do this for two reasons: one, because my craft and ambition are severely lacking, and two, so I can split the forthcoming derision and jeers with another person. Frankly, I’m more prone to blame the whole thing on them: “I didn’t want to make a Ku Klux Klan robe out of Tyvek home insulation! It was all her idea!” Whatever the case, I’ve known many artists that are proficient in a variety of media, and by and large I can say that most artists you’ll meet are fucking assholes.

Interestingly, artists seem to align their poor behavior along their chosen form of expression, meaning that a musician will be a different kind of an asshole than a writer, though they both be assholes. Here’s a short list of the kinds of experiences I’ve had with certain kinds of artists (or arteestes, as many prefer to be called):

Musicians


The rare times you’ll see a musician wearing a wristwatch, know that it is just for show: no musician can actually tell time. People that make music are habitually late to everything, and seem to operate on their own internal clocks. Perhaps musicians can’t understand numbers except where they define a time signature, because they appear to have a fuzzy concept on money and value as well. A music maker will either work themselves to the bone for a pittance, or fart around and waste time yet expect a bundle of cash for it. Whatever they’re paid, most musicians will spend their money on drugs and booze anyway. Musicians like free liquor, well-worn concert t-shirts, and people that take their inane chatter seriously. Musicians dislike sunlight and fiscal responsibility.

Painters and Sculptors


It is said that a picture is worth a thousand words, and if you happen to talk to the artist who made a particular piece, you will probably hear all of them. No painting or sculpture can ever be bad, in the creator’s eyes, merely misunderstood. And they’ll have no compunction about explaining it to you until you understand or acquiesce. These types of artists don’t ascribe to normal social conventions like tact or bathing, and consider their implementation to be a kind of oppression. Despite the fact that they work in visual mediums, a lot of these artists look like slobs. Painters and sculptors like weird caffeinated drinks, expensive art supplies, and unventilated gallery shows. Painters and sculptors dislike supermarket cheese and commercial art.

Actors


Some artists pursue art because they want to share beauty with the world, or because they believe they have something important to convey. The only reason people go into acting is to escape their shitty childhoods. A profession where people are paid to lie, acting should be very emotionally taxing, and yet off stage or behind the camera actors are usually more mercurial and prone to hissy fits than anyone else. There may be genetic reasons behind why so many actors are sucseptible to bouts of sickness which cause them to cancel on their engagements at the last minute. Actors like attention, melodrama, and wearing scarves. Actors dislike monogamy and other actors.

Filmmakers


Being the youngest of all media discussed in this essay, you’d think that most filmmakers would be humble and mindful of past masters. To the contrary, no artist wants accolades for reinventing the wheel more than the person behind the camera with the megaphone. In another life, these people might be fascist dictators; in this reality, they are curt taskmasters who, when they need their shoelaces tied, will employ thirty-two assistants, one for each eyelet on their shoes. Directors and producers are some of the most loathed people in existence (mostly by the people they work with), ranking slightly above proctologists but well below trained ninja assassins. Filmmakers like trespassing, yelling, and making people stand still for long periods of time. Filmmakers dislike disobedience and editing film.

Writers


Never call a writer a “writer,” instead call him or her an “author,” unless you like being haughtily corrected. Writers tend to regard deadlines with suspicion and will usually miss their target dates out of spite. People who write will never say “hide” when they can say “obfuscate,” will correct your use of a semicolon, and often mispronounce words that they’ve read but never heard spoken. They are also fat and have stupid names like Reggie. Writers like solitude, comfortable chairs, and the letter “e.” Writers dislike paper cuts and criticism.

9 Responses to “Artists are Fucking Assholes”

  1. 3Fingers Brown April 23, 2011 at 1:04 pm #

    I’m hoping that in THIS life I’ll achieve my goal of being a fascist dictator… For real though, it’s refreshing to see artists have the wind knocked out of their sails a bit. Even though many of my closest friends are – you thought I was going to say “black,” didn’t you? – artists, they are an insufferable lot. That’s why I write, so I don’t have to spend any more with horrible people like me.

    It is unfortunate but I believe the idea that “nothing can ever be bad,” is something that transcends the mediums of visual art. The belief that all beliefs are equal is a poison in popular thought that has become all too prevalent. From my experience, it seems like something that art school professors have drilled into the heads of young no-talents to keep their parents paying the massive tuitions.

    Sorry kids. There ARE such things as good and bad art of any kind, contrary to what many might believe. Who gets to dictate those distinctions? That’s every thinking person’s responsibility as a human being. We all know what Uncle Ben said about having great power…

    • kate April 9, 2016 at 7:28 pm #

      Things, art included, can be bad because without the bad there is no good.

  2. marcel August 15, 2012 at 2:08 am #

    puppeteers? we’re due for some slander… or maybe just some attention… we hide behind DOLLS! and our tradition goes back blah blah blah…

  3. Lo.La October 27, 2012 at 8:09 pm #

    OMG. Your post totally made my day. THANK YOU!

  4. Gary Kerr February 24, 2013 at 12:39 am #

    As a recovering artist I can only say that there is hope to asshole artists, and it’s a solid bitchslap to the face. I was afflicted for decades and I am now in recovery, because once aflicted remission is always a possibity. You are only hurting the ones you love, and the poor bastards who have to tolerate your crappy art. Die artsy scum.

  5. Tiffany June 21, 2014 at 7:50 pm #

    You forgot photographers! They’re a different kind if asshole. I’m sure you could explain the elitist attitude…. The meanies just make mii cry

  6. kbee June 16, 2016 at 5:49 am #

    Fat bashing? Seriously?

  7. Leena August 20, 2016 at 9:00 pm #

    You’re talking about the mediocre hipsters playing on the street that probably found that violin in a thrift store four weeks ago. As a young musician who is exposed to musicians of all kinds (young and old, jazz and classical…etc..), I know this territory a bit better than you. Most of them are healthy, functional adults that pay their taxes and are some of the least pretentious people you’ll meet. I’ve met some of the most unique, upstanding, and kind people in musical environments. Amateurs and professionals alike. It’s annoying when someone looks at you like you’re shit when you say you want to be a professional musician. Guess what? Musicians put in a lot of hours to get that good, and to be there during rehearsals and performances. A musician is more disciplined than most people will be in their lives. You can bash musicians when you’ve sat and talked to people in symphony orchestras, to people in jazz bands, to people in military bands and concert bands…you’re judging based off of your local indie bands and flimsy stereotypes.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Shall Be Judged « Defending Regicide - October 26, 2011

    […] knew someone, a talented musician, who claimed that she hated being judged. Judgment, in her narrow world view, was an exercise in […]

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