Folks, I Don’t Think We’re Going to Make It

15 Mar

I’ve been waiting for something more official, for some authority figure to declare the painfully obvious. It doesn’t look like that’s going to happen, so I guess I’ll be the bad guy: we’re not going to make it. Us. The human race. If the goal of existence is to extend it infinitely, then we, as a species, will fall well short of that goal. We lose. Sorry if that comes as a shock to anyone, but facts are facts. There are five seconds left in the fourth quarter, we’re twenty points behind and fumbling the football in the wrong end zone. And we’re wearing paper bags over our heads. And our hands and feet have been cut off.


I’m not the only nihilist, you know. There have been plenty of naysayers predicting imminent doom for as long as our collective mind can recall. I’m starting to think that these pessimists were right the whole time. Sure, our extinction might not be imminent like a bowel movement after Burger King, but taken in scale with the span of the universe, human existence will be over before you know it. It will be the global warming what done it; maybe it will be the rising sea levels, maybe it will be some Mega Fucking Flu that is transmittable through eye contact. But when all is said and done, we will be able to look back and see that global warming and our rampant excesses were our own undoing. Or, we would be able to look back, if we weren’t all dead.


I wish I wasn’t the bearer of bad news. I know a lot of you have been doing your parts to try and reverse this trend towards oblivion, and I’m personally very proud of you. Would that I could give each of you a gold star, I’d gladly affix it to your death certificates with a dollop of my own saliva. Unfortunately, that isn’t feasible, and besides I don’t think the foil side of gold stars are biodegradable. It doesn’t matter, even if you compost your compost and eat produce grown within a square mile of your kitchen, it’s too late. It’s been too late for a while. Sure, a lot of your earth-saving measures aren’t reasonable or affordable for the average lower-middle class family to adopt, but that didn’t stop you from asserting them. Even as your house collapses, you’re still trying to get the picture frames straight. It’s commendable, really. A little naive, but still commendable.


Why can’t we turn this ship around and steer clear of the rushing waterfall that will carry us to our collective doom? I suppose, in broad theory, we can. We’d have to really pull together, eschew our creature comforts and life-extending technologies. The entire world could unite and decide that this isn’t the final chapter of the human race, instead it is the beginning of a new leap in our conscious evolution. But that isn’t going to happen. You can’t get two people to agree on where to go for lunch, how will they agree to stop driving, completely and immediately? It’s not going to happen, and so we, as a species, will become extinct. It’s not so bad. Just a few million years, and your bones can become the fossil fuel for another doomed species.

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